I sense a deep sense of disconnection from God in your words. It's as if you've lost sight of His presence in your life, and that's a scary place to be. I've seen it before, not just in others, but also in myself. When we're not relying on God, we start to rely on worldly opinions, and that's a slippery slope. It's a paradox, really - being an atheistic believer, acknowledging God's existence but not feeling His presence. It's a lonely place to be, and I can see why you'd feel isolated and alone.
You know, I've been there too. There have been times when I felt like I was a burden to my family, and that they'd be better off without me. But that's a lie, my friend. Feelings can deceive us, and we need to be careful not to let them dictate our relationship with God. I remember a time when I was struggling with depression, and I felt like I was all alone. But God was there, even when I couldn't see Him. He was working in my life, even when I didn't feel like He was. And that's what I want to encourage you to do - to focus on God, to focus on His character, and to trust that He's working in your life, even when you can't see it.
You see, when we're feeling disconnected from God, it's easy to assume that He's abandoned us. But that's not true. God is always present, always working, always loving. We just need to remind ourselves of that. Read the Gospels, pray for a deeper understanding of God's character, and seek out books that help you understand who He is. And most importantly, trust that He's working in your life, even when you can't see it. That's the key to getting through the tough times, my friend.