My friend, I can sense the weight of guilt and uncertainty bearing down on you. As someone who has walked with God for many years, I want to assure you that He is not punishing you for your past mistakes. In fact, God's Word teaches us that He chastises us, not to punish us, but to reform us and make us better (Heb. 12:10). Think about it, my friend - if God were punishing you, would He not have stopped the troubles in your life by now? No, He is working to refine you, to make you more like Christ.
As a pastor, I've seen many people struggle with the same question. But the truth is, God's ways are not our ways. He sees the big picture, and we often only see the present moment. Our emotions can deceive us, making us feel like we're being punished when, in reality, God is working to teach us valuable lessons. Take my own life, for example. I've made mistakes, just like you have. But God has used those mistakes to teach me valuable lessons about His love, His mercy, and His faithfulness. He's made me stronger, and I'm confident that He can do the same for you.
So, I want to encourage you to look beyond your present troubles and see the bigger picture. What is God trying to teach you through this season? What lessons can you learn from your mistakes? Take time to reflect on your past failures, and write down what you've learned. This will help you see that God is not punishing you, but rather, He's working to make you a better person. And when you're tempted to feel guilty or blame God, remember that repentance is not about feeling sorry for our sins, but about recognizing our absolute helplessness and unworthiness before a holy God.