My friend, I can sense the pain and frustration in your words. It's as if you're feeling helpless and angry with God for allowing you to suffer despite your best efforts to do the right thing. I want you to know that I, too, have walked through similar valleys in my own life, particularly as a pastor and a husband. There have been times when I've struggled to understand why God allows certain things to happen, but I've come to realize that His ways are not our ways.
As I've reflected on this, I've come to understand that suffering can be a means of intellectual mastery, giving us knowledge and trust in God. It's as if He's saying, "I know what I'm doing, and that's enough." Sometimes, we may not be able to discern the reasons behind our suffering, but that doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose in it. In fact, He may be using our experiences to make us useful in His hands, to enable us to understand what takes place in the lives of others, and to transform us into the same kind of thing as Himself.
So, I want to encourage you to trust God, even when you don't understand. It's okay to feel angry and frustrated, but don't let those emotions lead you to give up on your faith. Instead, allow God to discipline you, to put you into a right-standing relationship with Him. Remember, He's not trying to crush you, but to transform you, to inject His kind of life and thought into you. And when you're unsure or in doubt, let humility be the order of the day. You may think you know all you need to know about God, but trust me, you don't. So, come to Him with a humble heart, and He'll reveal Himself to you in ways you never thought possible.